BELLY LAUGHS

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, Grandma, what is that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?

She was a little taken back, but she decided to tell him the truth.

It's called sexual intercourse, darling.Little Tony said, Oh - OK, and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse, it's called bunk beds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to…

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned fifty-something.)



A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?



He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'



Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'Not much ... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'



'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.



He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'

'No,' I said…

A new priest, born and raised in North Dakota, is nervous about hearing

confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks

him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your

chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go

on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats

all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, ...

"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and

saying, "No sh*t... What happened…

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their

bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds

him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first

met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back

then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced…

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the

hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed

them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital

staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your

temperature."



After complaining for several minutes, he finally

settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her…

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous

Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Port Orange

Florida, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife

was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of

the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go

under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

Roger (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see

what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that

time the family dog…

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they didn't like each other.



Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.



The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that…

A wife gave her husband a wooden box and asked him to open it after she dies. After thirty years, she died and her husband opened the wooden box. There were three pens and twenty thousand dollars along with a note. The husband read the note:
"Dear, I am sorry. Every time I cheated on you, I bought a pen and kept it inside this wooden box"

The husband was moved and thought, "Not as bad as me. Just three times in these thirty years".

Then he read the postscript on the note: "And every time I got a dozen pens, I sold them and kept the money in the box".

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
Wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
To the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
Educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!

Must be where the term 'Smart Ass' came from!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.



The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.



As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.



The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.



Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.



Eventually the elephant…